by Faith Resnick-Foyil
It's s a real bone of contention with me, these Jiffy-Lube-style baby visits. I'd like to see Dr. Ackley's face if his mechanic gave the Porsche a perfunctory seven-minute once over, then demanded an exorbitant sum. That's how I view our Well Baby checkups.
With this jaded perspective, I arrived at the good doctor's office for D.J.'s milestone one-year checkup. Bonnie, the nurse, weighed and measured D.J., and jabbed him with a TB test. Dr. Ackley strolled in minutes later, and majestically parting my sons flailing arms and legs, examined his mouth, ears, and nose in less time than it takes to unscrew an oil filter.
"I saw you working on your Porsche last Sunday," I offered, a lame attempt at starting conversation.
"Yes, there's always something that needs tuning up or fixing," he politely replied, wiggling off his examination stool and heading toward the door. "You can dress him now. I'll be back in a minute to answer any questions you may have," he said.
I dangled a rattle in front of D.J. to distract him and remembered Dr. Ackley's comment about the car always needing tuning up or fixing.
I had an idea.
Dr. Ackley came back into the room, leaned on the counter, and made notes on a clipboard. "Was there anything else you needed to ask, Mrs. Foyil?" he murmured while jotting down some notes. (Translation: There's nothing wrong with your child, don't take up my time if you don't have to, and aren't I about to make some big bucks from this visit?) But it wasn't going to be so simple this time.
"Everything seems okay, Dr. Ackley, but D.J. has been giving off some pretty foul emissions lately." I winked at the squirming baby on my lap and pretended not to notice Ackley spinning a 180 at the sink. He stopped writing and peered at me from behind cocked eyebrows. "Foul emissions, you say?" He sat back down, smiling. "From your son?" He was toying with his stethoscope.
To find out what happens next, click on How one woman found a way to her baby doctor's heart!
For more humorous tales from the road, visit RTM's Road Humor section.